Crabby McCrabberson

Some days you just have to accept that you're going to be a crabby bitch.  Today is that day for me.  Welcome to my bitch-fest!

I really wanted to skip the gym because, well, I always want to skip the gym.  But it wasn't an option, specifically because I made this beautiful poster yesterday:

Well, that's pretty straight forward I'd say.

I trudged in.  Crabby.  One of the girls that we work out with, who I typically like, even though she is about my polar opposite (think girlie girl - sparkly cell phone, fake... well, everything, shorts 2 sizes too small, hair done, etc) walked right in front of me as I was approaching a machine and started using it.  I know it wasn't intentional at all, but my brain immediately went into attack mode.  I was further enraged by her singing along to her ipod, which was playing Rhianna, which to me is akin to listening to a dying cat.

I wish I could say that I experienced some kind of huge turn around moment, but I can't.  People got in my way while I was side shuffling (how DARE they work out in the same building as me), benches were moved right into the path I was running in (assholes - the weight room is obviously for running laps around, not weight training) and my heart rate got up to 183 on the elliptical (whaaaat?).

That's that.  I am crabby.  Fuck it.  It happens.

I did do pull ups today.  All is not lost.

Mind work

“You’ve got to try this, I just got my energy rebalanced and I feel amazing, you’ve got to go get some energy work done!”  This is how I was sold on reiki.  Naturally I read anything I could possibly find on the internet.  I was skeptical but willing to be convinced.  I wasn’t prepared…

Terry is my reiki master. When I booked with her, I booked with the intention of regaining my motivation for training.  Somehow I completely forgot about that during the days of research. 

I walked in this evening, less stressed than normal from my workday.  When I arrived she was on a call with her ex boyfriend.  I chuckled “funny, I’m having dinner with mine tomorrow” which led us right into emotions.  We talked for a bit, and I tried to push everything aside.  Just cram it down.  Figures, Terry had just told me disease comes about as a result of pushing things down and burying them.  Reiki is about letting it out, she told me.  Deep breath.  I’m so not ready to let everything out. 

I took my spot on the table and focused on clearing my mind.  The only time I find I’m usually able to do this is when swimming.  I don’t know what it is, maybe the lack of sound and visual stimulation, but I just don’t think about anything when I swim.  I decided to relax, submit, and let my subconscious entertain me.  

As I feel Terry’s hands on my head, I feel safe, comfortable, protected.  I relax into my dream land. 

I’m in a meadow, and I’m part of a caravan.  We’re moving slowly, but happily.  I’m not too aware of the rest of the caravan, I’m focused on a little girl, probably about 4 years old, who is identical to me as a child, she is my daughter.  With her is her father, a strong, smiling masculine figure who absolutely adores her.  There’s so much joy – the destination is highly anticipated.  At one point surreal creatures, similar to what you’d see in a Cirque show begin dancing around us. I’m dancing too, and my body is weightless, it’s effortless.  I stay in this area for a long time.  No talking, just joy, laughter, dancing, happiness.  

Then my brain shifts more to an abstract vision.  It’s yellows and purples, pretty forms, and flowing lava.  But I want to go back to the girl.  The yellows remind me of her hair. 

I’m on a beach now, but my daughter and husband won’t come close.  They’re still moving through the meadow.  I try to get them to come over to the beach, but I can’t get them, they don’t see me, won’t come over.  I’m swimming, trying to clear my thoughts.  I’m overwhelmed with sadness because they won’t come to me.  Finally I regain a bit of consciousness and force the ending I want, but it doesn’t feel right, it feels cold.  

I spent the last 10 minutes of my session trying hard not to cry. I knew Terry would ask me at the end how I felt, and what kinds of things I envisioned.  I just prepared myself to not choke up and lose it… Forcing things down again. 

When the session ended, Terry asked the anticipated questions.  I told her about all the joy at the beginning.  She responded “Really?  I felt sadness. Hmmm, guess I was off.”  I told her about the sadness at the end, but not in as much detail as I’ve described here.  We talked for quite a bit longer, and I left, my body feeling good, but my mind spinning. 

I wasn’t expecting this much emotion.  I expected to feel balanced, or perhaps a bit of hope.  We talked about the need to let people see inside of you, a thought that terrifies me to no end. Vulnerability is not something I’m comfortable with, I’m pretty much the definition of guarded.  

I loved the session.  I highly recommend it to anyone.  I think it’s a good window into your own soul.  Where will your mind go when you give yourself permission to think of nothing?  

Wake up call!

After a long endurance event, you get to take a few days off (so I'm told by my running expert friends / coaches).  I went ahead and multiplied that out to be a few weeks off.  Not just of training, but of everything.  Nutrition, sleep, etc.  I was rewarded with tighter pants and a rounder belly.  

I had a particularly unpleasant wake up call this weekend at the gym.  I attended the Saturday swim clinic, and invited a friend to come along.  Swim clinic is always a bit of a boost for my ego because it's the one thing I can do moderately well.  I can't run fast, I'm not sure if I can bike fast, but I can swim faster than most people (I wouldn't really call it fast, but faster than most).  I was excited and surprised that my friend swims faster than me - finally someone to be a little competitive with!  But about 15 minutes into the workout I felt sluggish, then tired, then, at about 45 minutes I was in the middle of a lap and stopped right in the middle of the pool, which I don't think I've ever done.  

I completed the workout, showered, then headed to grab some lunch.  I was feeling pukey and could barely shove the delicious food down my throat.  After finishing a decent amount, I headed home.  On my way I started seeing spots.  I pulled into the garage, stumbled into the house, and collapsed on the couch, where I remember google searching "stroke symptoms", reading through them, deciding I was just dehydrated, then  passing out HARD.  I woke up about 90 minutes later, confused and still nauseated.  

It was scary.  I still don't feel 100% better.  

Because of this experience, I've recommitted to focusing on what goes in my body.  I am sure that eating only tater tots and beer the night before my swim certainly didn't help my performance.  I've been a little stressed lately, and I know I haven't been drinking enough water.  Yesterday I headed to REI and purchased a couple of new Camelbak water bottles, which always motivates me to up the intake.  While there, I also purchased a super cute tri top, but was disappointed that my body doesn't look the way I want it to in it (the word rotund comes to mind).  That is not how I envision my first triathlon finish to look, so I've started food logging again.  Yeah, it sucks, but it's keeping me from eating with no regard for nutrition.  I hit up the store today for lunch, and I've got a solid arsenal of healthy stuff bulked up in my work fridge.  I can do this.... 4 months until tri day.  

I DID IT!!!

I did it! I completed my first 1/2 marathon. It was insane. It was harder than I thought. It was crowded. It was cold. It was hard to get around people (yes I was going around people - who woulda thought?). But it's done. Soooo done!!

I will never be able to express to my friends and family how much their support meant to me. This is such a big, huge deal to me - something I never ever thought I could do, and I DID! So many people pushed me along the way. In no particular order:
My amazing coaches Nancy and Becky, who always knew I could do it, even when I thought there was no way. They showed me to forgive myself when I screwed up, and to keep going. They are the greatest.
My training buddy Carter, who held me accountable and always had something positive to say about my improvements.
My sister Sarah, who believed in me and told me how proud she was, and even related to my frustrations (even though I always thought it was easy for her when I used to watch her). And the awesome "you can do it texts" all the way through.
Brian, who I just started dating, and is a marathoner. He knows how hard your first race is, and he fought the traffic to come down and cheer for me at mile 12, right before getting on a plane. The best thing he said to me "you can do this, you're an inspiration... Now kill that last mile!". He's the best.
My friends, who never gave me shit about leaving the party early so I could wake up for the early morning runs.
Everyone who texted and sent love on Facebook, and told me how proud they were.
All my Saturday morning running buddies. Yep, I'm the slowest of the bunch, and I always felt like a winner.
All the people who didn't think I could do it, because I DID, jerks!
I have to also thank myself for never ever giving up, and my body for carrying me the distance. But I couldn't have done it without my huge support team. You all are the best and I love you all!!!

It's finally here...

This is it. I've made it. I haven't blogged in ages, but the day is less than 24 hours away.

I sit here, scared, nervous, proud, trying to keeps it all in check, and honestly, failing... The selfish part of me is glad all this is finally over, and just wants my victory moment.

The other part of me is just so scared I'm going to fail that I don't even want to show up. And an even bigger part of me is scared I'll only make it 9 miles and have to quit for some freak reason. And the biggest part of me is scared I will just lose my shit and start bawling at the end, just like how I'm misting up just thinking about it.

And then I wonder what's next... I mean, there's always something bigger, something better. And when does it become enough?

And then there's the part of me that tells me to toughen up and keep my emotions in check. I wish I could. I'm overwhelmed. I can't wait until this is over, but I'm worried too that I'll be let down. And I can't wait to finish.

EDIT - this was written the day before the marathon, but I had to fix a typo and can't figure out how to back date from my mobile app.

Healed!

I'm back to normal!!!! Had a great run today. I don't know what else to say other than my coach is AMAZING!!! Lots of ice, some self massage, a few days of rest, and I feel like a new woman.

In other news, my new job has started. It's sooooo different from anywhere else I've ever worked. The people actually give a shit and seem to like their jobs. I can actually say I haven't worked in such a positive environment in... Well, ever. The downside, I will be working more. But Upside, I will love what I do. Overall upgrade!

Train on my friends.

I'm upset. Missed my long run yesterday when I woke up with a sore throat. Then, mid day my right shin started aching, like shin sprints, but all I'd done was walk. Now this morning it hurts when I walk, drive, etc.

I don't know what to do. I'm headed to Seattle today, and had planned to walk the 1 mile each way between the office and my hotel everyday. I'm not sure if I should go complete rest or still walk that. Next weekend I have scavenger crawl, and I HAVE TO be able to run.

I'm nervous now. What happens if I miss a week or two of training during the most pivotal time of my 1/2 marathon training? The longest I've gone so far was 6 miles. I'm totally freaking out.