Some days you just have to accept that you're going to be a crabby bitch. Today is that day for me. Welcome to my bitch-fest!
I really wanted to skip the gym because, well, I always want to skip the gym. But it wasn't an option, specifically because I made this beautiful poster yesterday:
Well, that's pretty straight forward I'd say.
I trudged in. Crabby. One of the girls that we work out with, who I typically like, even though she is about my polar opposite (think girlie girl - sparkly cell phone, fake... well, everything, shorts 2 sizes too small, hair done, etc) walked right in front of me as I was approaching a machine and started using it. I know it wasn't intentional at all, but my brain immediately went into attack mode. I was further enraged by her singing along to her ipod, which was playing Rhianna, which to me is akin to listening to a dying cat.
I wish I could say that I experienced some kind of huge turn around moment, but I can't. People got in my way while I was side shuffling (how DARE they work out in the same building as me), benches were moved right into the path I was running in (assholes - the weight room is obviously for running laps around, not weight training) and my heart rate got up to 183 on the elliptical (whaaaat?).
That's that. I am crabby. Fuck it. It happens.
I did do pull ups today. All is not lost.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Monday, January 16, 2012
Mind work
“You’ve got to try this, I just got my energy rebalanced and I feel amazing, you’ve got to go get some energy work done!” This is how I was sold on reiki. Naturally I read anything I could possibly find on the internet. I was skeptical but willing to be convinced. I wasn’t prepared…
Terry is my reiki master. When I booked with her, I booked with the intention of regaining my motivation for training. Somehow I completely forgot about that during the days of research.
I walked in this evening, less stressed than normal from my workday. When I arrived she was on a call with her ex boyfriend. I chuckled “funny, I’m having dinner with mine tomorrow” which led us right into emotions. We talked for a bit, and I tried to push everything aside. Just cram it down. Figures, Terry had just told me disease comes about as a result of pushing things down and burying them. Reiki is about letting it out, she told me. Deep breath. I’m so not ready to let everything out.
I took my spot on the table and focused on clearing my mind. The only time I find I’m usually able to do this is when swimming. I don’t know what it is, maybe the lack of sound and visual stimulation, but I just don’t think about anything when I swim. I decided to relax, submit, and let my subconscious entertain me.
As I feel Terry’s hands on my head, I feel safe, comfortable, protected. I relax into my dream land.
I’m in a meadow, and I’m part of a caravan. We’re moving slowly, but happily. I’m not too aware of the rest of the caravan, I’m focused on a little girl, probably about 4 years old, who is identical to me as a child, she is my daughter. With her is her father, a strong, smiling masculine figure who absolutely adores her. There’s so much joy – the destination is highly anticipated. At one point surreal creatures, similar to what you’d see in a Cirque show begin dancing around us. I’m dancing too, and my body is weightless, it’s effortless. I stay in this area for a long time. No talking, just joy, laughter, dancing, happiness.
Then my brain shifts more to an abstract vision. It’s yellows and purples, pretty forms, and flowing lava. But I want to go back to the girl. The yellows remind me of her hair.
I’m on a beach now, but my daughter and husband won’t come close. They’re still moving through the meadow. I try to get them to come over to the beach, but I can’t get them, they don’t see me, won’t come over. I’m swimming, trying to clear my thoughts. I’m overwhelmed with sadness because they won’t come to me. Finally I regain a bit of consciousness and force the ending I want, but it doesn’t feel right, it feels cold.
I spent the last 10 minutes of my session trying hard not to cry. I knew Terry would ask me at the end how I felt, and what kinds of things I envisioned. I just prepared myself to not choke up and lose it… Forcing things down again.
When the session ended, Terry asked the anticipated questions. I told her about all the joy at the beginning. She responded “Really? I felt sadness. Hmmm, guess I was off.” I told her about the sadness at the end, but not in as much detail as I’ve described here. We talked for quite a bit longer, and I left, my body feeling good, but my mind spinning.
I wasn’t expecting this much emotion. I expected to feel balanced, or perhaps a bit of hope. We talked about the need to let people see inside of you, a thought that terrifies me to no end. Vulnerability is not something I’m comfortable with, I’m pretty much the definition of guarded.
I loved the session. I highly recommend it to anyone. I think it’s a good window into your own soul. Where will your mind go when you give yourself permission to think of nothing?
Monday, January 9, 2012
Wake up call!
After a long endurance event, you get to take a few days off (so I'm told by my running expert friends / coaches). I went ahead and multiplied that out to be a few weeks off. Not just of training, but of everything. Nutrition, sleep, etc. I was rewarded with tighter pants and a rounder belly.
I had a particularly unpleasant wake up call this weekend at the gym. I attended the Saturday swim clinic, and invited a friend to come along. Swim clinic is always a bit of a boost for my ego because it's the one thing I can do moderately well. I can't run fast, I'm not sure if I can bike fast, but I can swim faster than most people (I wouldn't really call it fast, but faster than most). I was excited and surprised that my friend swims faster than me - finally someone to be a little competitive with! But about 15 minutes into the workout I felt sluggish, then tired, then, at about 45 minutes I was in the middle of a lap and stopped right in the middle of the pool, which I don't think I've ever done.
I completed the workout, showered, then headed to grab some lunch. I was feeling pukey and could barely shove the delicious food down my throat. After finishing a decent amount, I headed home. On my way I started seeing spots. I pulled into the garage, stumbled into the house, and collapsed on the couch, where I remember google searching "stroke symptoms", reading through them, deciding I was just dehydrated, then passing out HARD. I woke up about 90 minutes later, confused and still nauseated.
It was scary. I still don't feel 100% better.
Because of this experience, I've recommitted to focusing on what goes in my body. I am sure that eating only tater tots and beer the night before my swim certainly didn't help my performance. I've been a little stressed lately, and I know I haven't been drinking enough water. Yesterday I headed to REI and purchased a couple of new Camelbak water bottles, which always motivates me to up the intake. While there, I also purchased a super cute tri top, but was disappointed that my body doesn't look the way I want it to in it (the word rotund comes to mind). That is not how I envision my first triathlon finish to look, so I've started food logging again. Yeah, it sucks, but it's keeping me from eating with no regard for nutrition. I hit up the store today for lunch, and I've got a solid arsenal of healthy stuff bulked up in my work fridge. I can do this.... 4 months until tri day.
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