I DID IT!!!

I did it! I completed my first 1/2 marathon. It was insane. It was harder than I thought. It was crowded. It was cold. It was hard to get around people (yes I was going around people - who woulda thought?). But it's done. Soooo done!!

I will never be able to express to my friends and family how much their support meant to me. This is such a big, huge deal to me - something I never ever thought I could do, and I DID! So many people pushed me along the way. In no particular order:
My amazing coaches Nancy and Becky, who always knew I could do it, even when I thought there was no way. They showed me to forgive myself when I screwed up, and to keep going. They are the greatest.
My training buddy Carter, who held me accountable and always had something positive to say about my improvements.
My sister Sarah, who believed in me and told me how proud she was, and even related to my frustrations (even though I always thought it was easy for her when I used to watch her). And the awesome "you can do it texts" all the way through.
Brian, who I just started dating, and is a marathoner. He knows how hard your first race is, and he fought the traffic to come down and cheer for me at mile 12, right before getting on a plane. The best thing he said to me "you can do this, you're an inspiration... Now kill that last mile!". He's the best.
My friends, who never gave me shit about leaving the party early so I could wake up for the early morning runs.
Everyone who texted and sent love on Facebook, and told me how proud they were.
All my Saturday morning running buddies. Yep, I'm the slowest of the bunch, and I always felt like a winner.
All the people who didn't think I could do it, because I DID, jerks!
I have to also thank myself for never ever giving up, and my body for carrying me the distance. But I couldn't have done it without my huge support team. You all are the best and I love you all!!!

It's finally here...

This is it. I've made it. I haven't blogged in ages, but the day is less than 24 hours away.

I sit here, scared, nervous, proud, trying to keeps it all in check, and honestly, failing... The selfish part of me is glad all this is finally over, and just wants my victory moment.

The other part of me is just so scared I'm going to fail that I don't even want to show up. And an even bigger part of me is scared I'll only make it 9 miles and have to quit for some freak reason. And the biggest part of me is scared I will just lose my shit and start bawling at the end, just like how I'm misting up just thinking about it.

And then I wonder what's next... I mean, there's always something bigger, something better. And when does it become enough?

And then there's the part of me that tells me to toughen up and keep my emotions in check. I wish I could. I'm overwhelmed. I can't wait until this is over, but I'm worried too that I'll be let down. And I can't wait to finish.

EDIT - this was written the day before the marathon, but I had to fix a typo and can't figure out how to back date from my mobile app.

Healed!

I'm back to normal!!!! Had a great run today. I don't know what else to say other than my coach is AMAZING!!! Lots of ice, some self massage, a few days of rest, and I feel like a new woman.

In other news, my new job has started. It's sooooo different from anywhere else I've ever worked. The people actually give a shit and seem to like their jobs. I can actually say I haven't worked in such a positive environment in... Well, ever. The downside, I will be working more. But Upside, I will love what I do. Overall upgrade!

Train on my friends.

I'm upset. Missed my long run yesterday when I woke up with a sore throat. Then, mid day my right shin started aching, like shin sprints, but all I'd done was walk. Now this morning it hurts when I walk, drive, etc.

I don't know what to do. I'm headed to Seattle today, and had planned to walk the 1 mile each way between the office and my hotel everyday. I'm not sure if I should go complete rest or still walk that. Next weekend I have scavenger crawl, and I HAVE TO be able to run.

I'm nervous now. What happens if I miss a week or two of training during the most pivotal time of my 1/2 marathon training? The longest I've gone so far was 6 miles. I'm totally freaking out.

Swim results and some reflections

My 2.4 mile swim was yesterday.  Thinking back i'm still in awe that I completed it. At 6 AM I was standing on the shore with my super strong trainer, and we're both freaking out.  It looked soooooo far.  Then my nerves kicked in.  Well, the emotions had been flowing since well before then.  I was scared, I didn't want to fail, I didn't want to struggle.  I was feeling sorry for myself, wishing I had a man to stand on the shore and cheer for me - ugh. I was totally feeling sorry for myself and fighting off tears the whole way to the event.

The first 1/2 mile was tough, mostly because I wasn't really warmed up, and it was my first race, so I was nervous! Then I just swam... and swam and swam.  My back got a little sore at around mile 1.3 or so.  I had to stop and stretch.  Around the 2 mile point I started to feel so tired.  My left leg cramped, then my right.  The current picked up, and I got rocked around.  I felt seasick, it was horrible.  My mind was ready to push to the finish, my body was not.  I actually got turned around, literally.  The medic support was watching me with concern (or at least that's what I thought). I could see the finish line, but it just wasn't getting any closer.  Then, finally, I was done!

Climbing out of the water I didn't feel great.  I felt relief, but sick, and overall blah. I ate, calmed down, drove home, rested, and then it hit me...

I CAN'T BELIEVE I JUST DID THAT!!!!  HOLY SHIT, I'M AWESOME!

So here I sit, still basking in the afterglow.  I'm so happy. The first person I saw when I got out of the water was my coach, screaming and cheering like a crazy person, which was awesome, I've never really had a cheering section before, and I realized I felt sorry for myself for nothing.  I was super touched and realized how blessed I am for the people I have in my life as the phone calls and texts congratulating me came in throughout the day.  I've always been moved by music, it touches my emotions and brings me back to places and experiences I love.  Now I've find a new source of happiness, and that is personal accomplishment.  Yes, I've achieved in the past, I've always excelled in my professional career, and naturally I'm an excellent dancer (grin), but this is the first time I've done something physically that most the people I know can't do.  I've differentiated myself.  And it feels bad ass!

I CANNOT WAIT to finish my half marathon.  I still feel amazing and so proud about this swim.  I always knew I could do a long swim, I never thought I could do a long run.  I'm proving myself wrong in 2 months.  It's going to be phenomenal. Stay tuned!

You're doing it wrong

Greetings from Florida. I did some open water swimming this morning in the ocean. It was great, difficult, but nice. I did get a bit freaked out when I saw a big school of fish swim by. I was pretty sure they were swimming away from a shark. I went to explore the tourist area, and had dinner, including four beers. Ummm, 2 hours later I did a 3 mile run. Brilliant. Do not drink before your run. I still got through it, but I do not recommend it. Tomorrow I go parasailing. Can't wait!

I panic.

First, the good news.  My running is going well.  Now the shitty news.  I freaked out yesterday in the water.  I continued my swim anyway, but I got sick afterwards.  It was my first time in a wet suit on Lake Mead, and I don't know what happened, but I felt like I couldn't breathe and I freaked.  When I got out of the water, I felt barfy.  I took some anti-nausea meds, and felt better for a bit, but later last night I felt pukey again and had to take more anti-nausea stuff.

Now, here I am in Florida, wet suit hanging in my hotel room closet, and I've got to get over this anxiety.  The water here is very calm, so that should make it a bit easier.  Bleh.

Whew, I'm sleepy but here we go!

It's 7:15 and I'm already sleepy.  I guess that's a good thing, as I need to be up tomorrow around 4:45.  Hey, if I hurry and go to bed I can get 8 hours of solid zzzzz's.

Well, the weather here in hell Las Vegas is finally starting to cool down, and just like my super awesome, super smart trainer told me it would, the run is getting easier!!!  I never thought I'd see the day.

In other news, I don't feel like I've been swimming enough, and I have a 2.4 mile swim on October 1.  I just haven't been able to cram the swim in.  I'm sure I'll be fine, I just could use a little confidence boost.  It's a really long time to be swimming without stopping.

That's really all there is to report.  OH, and last week I learned that nutrition really is extra super important when your training.  Yeah, my super smart trainer told me that too.  

Uh oh

I'm becoming too good at excuses... My refrigerator broke, so I have no cold water or ice.  I used this as the perfect excuse to stay in bed.  After all, I can't run if I don't have hydration, right? Ugggghhhh!  I should have ran.

Now I'm waiting for the refrigerator guy.  Maybe I can run at lunch, or after work.  I'm annoyed with myself.

Go right because there's no shortcuts to the top

Earlier today I wrote about missing my morning run.  I had open water swim this evening, which usually tires me out, between the current and the heat.  I went for a longer than normal swim.  My trainer commented that I was swimming fast (!).  But I couldn't shake that feeling of disappointment about missing my morning run.

So I stopped at Whole Foods (that always makes me feel better) then headed home.  I ate a bit of my quinoa salad, then decided it had cooled down enough outside (104 degrees, but at least the sun was down) for me to log my 2 miles.  I grabbed the wiener dog (I also feel guilty about leaving the dogs alone for too long) and headed out. The first 1/4 mile felt loooooong.

At almost the 1/2 mile mark I had a choice.  Go left, and I'm home in about a mile, or go right and I'm locked in to just over 2 miles.  Mind you, at this point I'm still feeling bleh, and a mile sounded so do-able and the 2 sounded like an impossible mission.

I decided to let the dog decide.  Subconsciously I knew the dog wouldn't turn left, because that would require crossing the street... I went right. 

This is huge to me.  I had a chance to get out of something, to take the easy way, and I passed that up.  My current motto is "No shortcuts to the top"  I feel a huge amount of pride right now.  We finished the run at a slow, but decent given the conditions and the preceding swim.  Now I'm ready to sleep and sleep and sleep.

Oh - in unfortunate news, my refrigerator decided to take a crap.  It's not looking good at all.  The freezer stuff is unsalvageable, and I'm hoping the refrigerator side can maybe hold on until tomorrow, when I'll try and transport some of the stuff to my work fridge.  Grrrr.  

Truth.

Ugh!

I woke up this morning to a crampy abdomen. I walked around a little bit but the pain didn't go away.  So I went back to bed and curled up in a ball, thus missing my run.  When I got up around 7, all the pain was gone.  Now I'm mad at myself for not running.  I'm swimming in the lake after work, then I may try to run, but if it is still 100+ degrees outside, I 'm not doing it. I'm so tired of hot weather!!!!

Well! You ask, you receive!

My last post was just after a horrible, awful, emotional, disastrous run.  Well!  Saturday I had an AMAZING run.  Things went well, and I'd say on a scale of 1 to 10 it was an 8 or 8.5.  The only two downfalls were my ovaries being all crampy (booo!) and the fact that I still run sloooooooow.  BUT - I did run 14:57 minute mile average over 4 miles.  That is very very slow, but it is my fastest speed yet!  Oh, also, my knee was a little sore later that day and today.  But nothing horrible.

I actually felt like I had a good amount of energy that day, and I think my nutrition last week was pretty solid.  One of my goals was to get greens in every day, and I did.  The only downside is I haven't done that well with my greens this weekend.  But, I am aspiring to keep my nutrition on track again this week, and hopefully have another awesome run this Saturday!

Goals for this week:
1.  Maintain good nutrition momentum
2.  Continue with the 3/2 run walk split.
3.  Be in bed no later than 10 each night

Successes last week:
1.  Ate greens every day
2.  Got guest bedroom cleaned and reset back into my reading room (ahhh bliss!)
3.  Limited carbs in the evening, and came up with evening light meal ideas
4.  Aced a personal goal that I'll discuss in a future post sometime in the future.

Today I hate running....

I can't even call today's run a run.  Not even 1/2 a mile in to it I was emotional. I felt tired.  I didn't want to run.  I didn't want to think about the 1/2 marathon.  I was just a mess.  I wanted to go crawl back into bed and cry.

It's been a couple hours, and I've regained control of my emotions, mostly.  I am still so frustrated with running.  I don't feel like I'm improving, I feel like I'm getting worse.  I just need a good run.  I need to not feel tired, and I need to not feel pain.

Logical me thinks it's got to be nutrition and form related.  I actually don't think I've been eating enough and that's why I feel so tired.  Emotional me thinks I just don't have the heart, and I'm beating myself up inside.  I keep thinking I should just toughen up and power through.  Yet I can't.  UGH!  Bad run day.

Open water swimming

Yesterday was my first training in the open water for the swim I am doing on October 1.  It went well, but there were a few things I wasn't expecting.

• Choppy - the water was choppy.  Depending on which direction I was swimming, the current would sometimes throw me a little off course.  I'd look up to sight, and would be completely disoriented. 
• Panic - this only happened once, and it was about 15 minutes into the swim.  My mind got the best of me, and my thoughts started to spiral.  "I can't see the bottom, I can't see in front of me, I can't see to the side, am I even moving at all????"  Fortunately I was able to pull it together quite quickly, but I understand now the fear that some people feel, it was almost like a claustrophobia. 
• Fear - I saw a fish, maybe.  Then I was sure it was really an eel.  And that it was swimming right around me.  I panicked, flailed a little, lost my stroke.  I think it may have been reflection from the water movement (stare at a pool that has water movement and you'll see what I mean), and I'm going to continue with that assumption because creatures freak me out! 

What I'm really proud of is my ability to reign my emotions in and talk myself into a calm state more than once.  I really didn't have any other choice, but I was able to handle the situation quite quickly.


My running is going ok.  I took last Saturday off due to backache (girl problems) and staying out the night before until 2 AM.  I still have to run about 3 minutes and walk 2.  My pace is a 15 minute mile.  Lethargically slow.  I am hoping that as weight comes off my body and the weather cools down I can really pick up some speed and endurance.  Learning how to run has been pretty challenging, and I can't think of anything else I've done that seems so easy on the surface, but takes so long to master.  Ha, maybe if I hadn't quit golf.

My eating is getting cleaner and cleaner, but I'm still struggling with carb cravings at night.  What do non-carb eaters eat at night when they're hungry?  Veggies and protein don't sound good at all.    

Happy August

Welcome to week 3 of working out with super corehore Nancy.  Here's the good stuff - after months and months (years?) of trying to find the right training, trying to figure out what works, trying to get it all in, I think I've found what works for me.

First, I never thought I'd say this.  I have no idea how it happened (well I kind of do).  I started working out in the morning.  And sometimes at night too.  I don't make excuses in the morning.  I don't know how I do it.  Part of it's because I'm accountable to Nancy.  But I'm also accountable to myself.  I do not miss workouts. I just wake up and get it done.  So at night I don't go out.  Partially because I'm tired and partially because I don't want to ruin the next day.

Second, I started keeping a food log.  Ya, I've done it before on the computer.  But what really works is writing it on paper.  I get to be creative.  I can easily look back the last few days.  I like my notebook.  It's working.

Third, I'm eating every two hours.  Yes, every two.  This is like a dream for me, I love to eat!  Since I write everything down I don't eat crappy food.  The hard part is thinking of what to eat.  Do people really eat vegetables every day?  I honestly wonder that.

That's about it.  I was sort of losing motivation, the runs have been hard.  But tomorrow I'm doing a treadmill workout (trainer's suggestion), which I'm actually looking forward to - softer surface, cooler air, and a steady pace.  As I blog this I'm watching a 300 pound woman train for a half marathon on TV.  (sigh)  I know I can finish the 13 miles, piece of cake.  I just want to be able to run it, not walk it.  I don't want to have to worry about the 4 hour cut off.  I'd like to finish under 3.  OK - real time update - I looked up reality TV girl.  She finished in 4:45.  I've gotta do under 3.  I'm slightly remotivated.

5 miles, I never thought and never knew...

5 miles sounded easy to me, until I did 2.  As I've blogged before though, the 2 mile days are usually the toughest for me.  I did 5 miles each day the last 2 weekends.  Both days were long, yet enjoyable.  That much time in your own head is a challenge.  You can't get away from yourself, there's nothing to distract you except the occasional thought about running form, or which way to go.  By the way, I'm still not running the whole time - it's a run / walk situation. But I can go a mile, which means some day I'll be able to go 2.  Then 3.  Then 4.  But for now, I'm at 5 with a run / walk, which is more than a third of my eventual race day distance... Yay!

Emotionally it's been a tough few weeks.  Work hasn't been easy, and I hit a patch of severe depression and just completely shut down for a week.  In my personal life things were going ok, but then the relationship (?) I was in hit the skids.  It's getting easier to break things off as I figure out things aren't right, but more and more frustrating when I think about how I'm almost 34, still single, and no prospects in sight, with a burning desire to start a family and share my life with someone.  Then I get a letter from my sister who is moving to Africa to volunteer for a year, and I wonder how I can be so selfish.  Sigh.  Summer is always rough for me, I know if I can just make it through I can re-stabilize, but I just feel so discouraged.

Anyway, I continue to train.  Even when I don't feel like it.  I want to finish this half marathon (I know I will, but I also know I cannot quit the training).  This is the longest I can remember being consistently dedicated to something.  I'm strength training with my running coach (who is the most bad ass woman I've ever met) to improve my running.  I'm swimming, I'm biking, I'm rocking.  I'm barely drinking (whoa!).  I'm thinking triathlon next year.  I wish I could train more.  It would fill the time and make me feel less lonely.

This entry is rather morose... Sigh, sorry.  I got my heart slightly bruised.  It happens.

When does Easy 2 miles become Easy?

I can't figure out what's up with this.  Every week on Monday I have an Easy 2 mile run scheduled.  Every Monday morning I sleep through the alarm, and have to do my run that evening.  I always think it's going to be the best run ever because it'll be short, I'm not groggy, etc.  But then the 2 mile run always goes to shit.  Yesterday it was shin splints.  I'm over 4 weeks into my regular running program now, I thought I'd be gliding with ease....

In other news, I've recommitted my commitment to nutrition again.  The simple fact that I don't really feel like drinking anymore should be a big boost.

100+ heat isn't my friend

It wasn't such a good run today.  My legs were aching 1/2 a mile in.  The schedule today was for 2 miles, and I probably ran about 50% of it.  I feel like training is a roller coaster.  5 miles scheduled for Saturday and 2 miles is still kicking my ass...  Sigh.

I'm starting to see tone in my body though.  Scale not moving much, but body is getting toned... Not bad since my Hapa boy returns in a couple of weeks. !!!

Ohmigawd I like running!!!

I never thought this day would happen. Here it is!! I like running!!! Maybe I'm on a runners high. Maybe the stars are perfectly aligned.  Maybe something clicked.  Maybe it was what I ate for breakfast.  Maybe it was just getting through the first mile.  But I HAD A GOOD RUN TODAY!!!!  I can now see how 13 miles are possible.  This is huge!  I want to scream from the top of a mountain, maybe even one that I RUN to the top of.  I got in the zone today.  I am so happy!!!!  YEEEEESSSSSSSSSS!

Training blues (already)

I couldn't get myself out of bed this morning.  I just didn't feel like getting up and running.  Looking back, I'm not real happy with that decision, because it's supposed to be 104 this afternoon.  I tried to think about why I was dreading getting up, and I think I'm having a hard time with running not coming very easily to me.  I hear so many people say that they can just run and run and run.  After just a month of running, they're already able to go several miles without stopping.  I've been training for several months now, and I still can barely hit a mile.  I'm not sure if it's my form, nutrition, or if it's all mental.  I hate the people who tell me it's all in my head.  I want to run. So if it's in my head, what's keeping me from running?

I did do aqua aerobics yesterday.  It was interesting.  I felt like the most fit person there (besides the instructor). Not sure how much of a challenge it was, and I'm not sure I really did enough of a workout.  I swam a few laps afterwards, and that was nice. It's nice to be back in the pool, and feel that swim come so naturally to me (not like running, grrrr!)

I have the next couple days off.  I'm looking forward to some non-running days.  Is this bad? I'm 5 months away from the 1/2 marathon and I'm already struggling.  I just keep hoping I'm on the verge of a breakthrough.

Training begins!

This Saturday was my first day of training for the 1/2. I'm happy. The coaches seem very supportive and non-psycho.  There was one small disappointment.  I ran the first mile.  When I got to a stoplight just after mile one I had to stop and wait for the light to change.  Only about 10 seconds behind me were the walkers.  I run as slow as the walkers walk.  Sigh. Also, after that first mile I died.  Ran out of energy.  I still finished the 3.5 mile course, but I know I need to eat before next week's run.  I was only expecting to do a mile this week, so next week I'll be better prepared.

My nutrition is going well.  Not perfect, but well.

Personal life ok.  I'm feeling a little loner-like with all my friends being pregnant.  I signed up for a couple of meetups, and am hoping to meet some more people like me - single, professional, and kid free.

I'd like to have some followers, so if you've stumbled across my blog and enjoy it, please follow me.

The ups and the downs.

I was in a great place the other day - hit my lowest weight in months, maybe even years.  Bad news, it crept right back on.  I suspect this is due to my somewhat relaxed approach to recording my food intake, as my exercise has been rather consistent.

I returned from Denver, and the first day back I was scheduled to do my first 20 minute run with no breaks at all.  I completed that, surprising myself.  Then my plan had me drop back to intervals - 8m run, walk, 5m run, walk, 8m run.   Next day was 10m run, walk, 10m run.  Today it jumps to 25 m run.  No breaks.  Yikes!  I'm scared, but I know if I can do it, I will be very proud.  No, I know WHEN I do it I will be proud.  Challenge right now - wind.  Wind and hills.  I've mapped a course for today that has the first mile or so uphill, then the last 1.5 downhill.  I think that will help.

I also purchased a bike - wheeee! It's been fun to ride for short trips around the neighborhood.

My one letdown - I guess I kind of thought I would arrive in Denver and everyone would tell me how skinny and great I look.  In my mind I'm a changed person.  I guess in reality I still have a long way to go.  There's something about having the ability to run that fools my brain into thinking I am as skinny as a super model now.  No one really said anything.  Bummer.  There is a part of me, however, that doesn't care.  I just want to be able to run.  And wear clothes without looking awful.

In other emotional news - all my friends are pregnant.  I'm having a really hard time with this.  Really hard time.

And.. We're off!

Here's what I'm happy about right now:
1. I just finished week 4 of my couch to 5k plan. I was really intimidated by week 4, but it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.
2. Denver in 2 days!
3. River rafting on Sunday.
4. 2 weeks in a row of weight loss, and I'm on track for a 3rd.
5. Made a new friend this weekend, and he loves to cook healthy and work out.
6. Signed up for half marathon training today. Paid the fee and everything. Oh yes, this is happening.
7. Cancelled my cable today. Whoot!

Here's what I'm not happy about:
1. Internet has been down for over 24 hours and I have a tech coming out to fix it tomorrow. Which means I will miss my one day of Pilates this week. Boo!
2. I'm typing this all on my iPhone. Booooo!

More when I have a real computer. I can't even see what I'm typing now.

Keeping me going right now

This quote is keeping me going right now:

Pain is temporary; quitting lasts forever

And these are the words that keep running through my mind:

Persistence

Dedication

Consistency

Perseverance

The obligatory first post

Here we go, here it is, another blog!

First, how I got here... I don't know.  I recently looked through pictures to try and figure it out.  But I'm getting ahead of myself.  I was a skinny teenager.  Around my mid-twenties that changed.  I'm now an overweight 30-something.  I try to figure out how this happened.  A few things stand out to me:

1. Obviously I was blessed at a young age to be able to eat whatever I wanted and not get fat.  As I've gotten older that has changed.  
2. Over the last several years I've drank too much.  Thousands, maybe millions of empty calories.  Plus bar food. 
3. I lost my accountability partner. 
4. I lost my pride in myself, but have also been in complete denial.  

I cannot change number one, but I can change what I eat.  I can change number two.  I'm hoping you can all help me change number 3.  And I'd say number 4 has changed, well, mostly.

Sooooo, how are ya going to do it blog girl? 

I'm going to run my butt off.  I'm training for a half marathon that is in December.  I'm scared to death, but I know in a month or two, I'll look back on where I am today and know I made progress.  I'm still working to convince myself that I'll succeed in December.  Yes, I'm scared to death.  Also, I'm on weight watchers now.  I'm finding it pretty easy to follow, with the occasional F-ups.  

No matter what the circumstances are, or outcomes, I am responsible for what happens in my life. 

Why should I follow you girl-I-don't-even-know?

Please follow me, I hope you follow me.  Let's learn from each other, let's encourage each other, and let's pick each other up when we tumble.  Best of all, let's hold each other accountable. 

So if you are just passing by, I hope to get to know you, and wish you the very best in your personal journey.