Crabby McCrabberson

Some days you just have to accept that you're going to be a crabby bitch.  Today is that day for me.  Welcome to my bitch-fest!

I really wanted to skip the gym because, well, I always want to skip the gym.  But it wasn't an option, specifically because I made this beautiful poster yesterday:

Well, that's pretty straight forward I'd say.

I trudged in.  Crabby.  One of the girls that we work out with, who I typically like, even though she is about my polar opposite (think girlie girl - sparkly cell phone, fake... well, everything, shorts 2 sizes too small, hair done, etc) walked right in front of me as I was approaching a machine and started using it.  I know it wasn't intentional at all, but my brain immediately went into attack mode.  I was further enraged by her singing along to her ipod, which was playing Rhianna, which to me is akin to listening to a dying cat.

I wish I could say that I experienced some kind of huge turn around moment, but I can't.  People got in my way while I was side shuffling (how DARE they work out in the same building as me), benches were moved right into the path I was running in (assholes - the weight room is obviously for running laps around, not weight training) and my heart rate got up to 183 on the elliptical (whaaaat?).

That's that.  I am crabby.  Fuck it.  It happens.

I did do pull ups today.  All is not lost.

Mind work

“You’ve got to try this, I just got my energy rebalanced and I feel amazing, you’ve got to go get some energy work done!”  This is how I was sold on reiki.  Naturally I read anything I could possibly find on the internet.  I was skeptical but willing to be convinced.  I wasn’t prepared…

Terry is my reiki master. When I booked with her, I booked with the intention of regaining my motivation for training.  Somehow I completely forgot about that during the days of research. 

I walked in this evening, less stressed than normal from my workday.  When I arrived she was on a call with her ex boyfriend.  I chuckled “funny, I’m having dinner with mine tomorrow” which led us right into emotions.  We talked for a bit, and I tried to push everything aside.  Just cram it down.  Figures, Terry had just told me disease comes about as a result of pushing things down and burying them.  Reiki is about letting it out, she told me.  Deep breath.  I’m so not ready to let everything out. 

I took my spot on the table and focused on clearing my mind.  The only time I find I’m usually able to do this is when swimming.  I don’t know what it is, maybe the lack of sound and visual stimulation, but I just don’t think about anything when I swim.  I decided to relax, submit, and let my subconscious entertain me.  

As I feel Terry’s hands on my head, I feel safe, comfortable, protected.  I relax into my dream land. 

I’m in a meadow, and I’m part of a caravan.  We’re moving slowly, but happily.  I’m not too aware of the rest of the caravan, I’m focused on a little girl, probably about 4 years old, who is identical to me as a child, she is my daughter.  With her is her father, a strong, smiling masculine figure who absolutely adores her.  There’s so much joy – the destination is highly anticipated.  At one point surreal creatures, similar to what you’d see in a Cirque show begin dancing around us. I’m dancing too, and my body is weightless, it’s effortless.  I stay in this area for a long time.  No talking, just joy, laughter, dancing, happiness.  

Then my brain shifts more to an abstract vision.  It’s yellows and purples, pretty forms, and flowing lava.  But I want to go back to the girl.  The yellows remind me of her hair. 

I’m on a beach now, but my daughter and husband won’t come close.  They’re still moving through the meadow.  I try to get them to come over to the beach, but I can’t get them, they don’t see me, won’t come over.  I’m swimming, trying to clear my thoughts.  I’m overwhelmed with sadness because they won’t come to me.  Finally I regain a bit of consciousness and force the ending I want, but it doesn’t feel right, it feels cold.  

I spent the last 10 minutes of my session trying hard not to cry. I knew Terry would ask me at the end how I felt, and what kinds of things I envisioned.  I just prepared myself to not choke up and lose it… Forcing things down again. 

When the session ended, Terry asked the anticipated questions.  I told her about all the joy at the beginning.  She responded “Really?  I felt sadness. Hmmm, guess I was off.”  I told her about the sadness at the end, but not in as much detail as I’ve described here.  We talked for quite a bit longer, and I left, my body feeling good, but my mind spinning. 

I wasn’t expecting this much emotion.  I expected to feel balanced, or perhaps a bit of hope.  We talked about the need to let people see inside of you, a thought that terrifies me to no end. Vulnerability is not something I’m comfortable with, I’m pretty much the definition of guarded.  

I loved the session.  I highly recommend it to anyone.  I think it’s a good window into your own soul.  Where will your mind go when you give yourself permission to think of nothing?  

Wake up call!

After a long endurance event, you get to take a few days off (so I'm told by my running expert friends / coaches).  I went ahead and multiplied that out to be a few weeks off.  Not just of training, but of everything.  Nutrition, sleep, etc.  I was rewarded with tighter pants and a rounder belly.  

I had a particularly unpleasant wake up call this weekend at the gym.  I attended the Saturday swim clinic, and invited a friend to come along.  Swim clinic is always a bit of a boost for my ego because it's the one thing I can do moderately well.  I can't run fast, I'm not sure if I can bike fast, but I can swim faster than most people (I wouldn't really call it fast, but faster than most).  I was excited and surprised that my friend swims faster than me - finally someone to be a little competitive with!  But about 15 minutes into the workout I felt sluggish, then tired, then, at about 45 minutes I was in the middle of a lap and stopped right in the middle of the pool, which I don't think I've ever done.  

I completed the workout, showered, then headed to grab some lunch.  I was feeling pukey and could barely shove the delicious food down my throat.  After finishing a decent amount, I headed home.  On my way I started seeing spots.  I pulled into the garage, stumbled into the house, and collapsed on the couch, where I remember google searching "stroke symptoms", reading through them, deciding I was just dehydrated, then  passing out HARD.  I woke up about 90 minutes later, confused and still nauseated.  

It was scary.  I still don't feel 100% better.  

Because of this experience, I've recommitted to focusing on what goes in my body.  I am sure that eating only tater tots and beer the night before my swim certainly didn't help my performance.  I've been a little stressed lately, and I know I haven't been drinking enough water.  Yesterday I headed to REI and purchased a couple of new Camelbak water bottles, which always motivates me to up the intake.  While there, I also purchased a super cute tri top, but was disappointed that my body doesn't look the way I want it to in it (the word rotund comes to mind).  That is not how I envision my first triathlon finish to look, so I've started food logging again.  Yeah, it sucks, but it's keeping me from eating with no regard for nutrition.  I hit up the store today for lunch, and I've got a solid arsenal of healthy stuff bulked up in my work fridge.  I can do this.... 4 months until tri day.